Nancy's Notes

When I begin a new semester, one of the first lectures I give is on Artistotle’s rhetoric, and as I’m describing the rhetorical triangle (ethos/pathos/logos), I spend a great deal of time talking about pathos, which has to do with people’s deepest held beliefs and values, and how a speaker or writer cannot be effective if they do not know about and show respect to these beliefs and values. I talk about how damaging it can be to violate someone’s beliefs and values, and how difficult it is to recover from this damage if you’re trying to reach someone. Then the class contributes by telling their stories of when someone hurt their feelings or showed them disrespect. This really resonates with them.

According to the Thomas-Kilmann Model, the most common types of conflict management styles are as follows:

1. Competition (high assertiveness and low cooperativeness) You seek to achieve your own goals at the expense of someone else’s;
2. Avoidance (low assertiveness and low cooperativeness) You avoid conflict and walk away, even if it means no one’s needs are met and the problem is not solved;
3. Accommodation (low assertiveness and high cooperativeness) You give in to someone else who’s more assertive at the expense of what you might want or need;
4. Compromise (average levels of both assertiveness and cooperativeness) You give up some of what you want in exchange for some sacrifices from the other side of the table;
5. Collaboration (high assertiveness and high cooperativeness) You work toward finding a win-win solution for all parties by employing empathy and really listening to what is desired from all parties. (VanSant, S.)

Listen – Listening to a grievance is crucial, and it’s not just a matter of being quiet until it’s your turn to talk. Be sure you ask any clarifying questions, that you acknowledge the position of the speaker, that you practice ACTIVE LISTENING skills. Focus completely on the speaker, using your attention, your body language, your everything to indicate that they have your undivided attention. If you are not in a place where this is possible, schedule a time to talk when you can do this. When they have finished, you should be able to restate your understanding of the issue; doing this helps them know you paid attention and allows them a chance to clarify anything that is unclear.
Steven Covey, author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is right: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Empathize – Empathy is in short supply, it seems, and yet it is one of the most important soft skills we can use. Put yourself in another’s position—how would you feel? What would you want?

Apologize – If you are the source of the problem, you must apologize. And it can’t be one of those phony apologies “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That takes no responsibility for how your words or actions hurt someone. If it’s someone else and you are mediating conflict, you can guide them toward the place where an apology is possible.

Fix – This is on the list, but it’s not always possible. Sometimes a fix is elusive. Sometimes a fix is an apology or a promise to do better the next time. Sometimes it requires bringing in a third party. Whatever it is, demonstrate your commitment to making it right.

For Slow Burn conflict situations, you might look at creating a system to manage conflict. For instance, if some teams are having trouble collaborating with other teams and it keeps happening, it’s time to do some deeper structural work. Should the teams be restructured? Should there be a rubric they have to communicate with each other? Is this a power struggle? Figure out what’s behind the ongoing conflict. Anything you do without knowing the motivation will be a temporary bandaid.